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COBig
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Name: $$$$
Birthday: 3/5/1990
Gender: Female
Interests: Conan, but of course i have other interests, like Michael J. Fox. (ah so hot)
Occupation: Student
Industry: Education/Research
Message: message me
Member Since:
6/26/2004
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| im in new york. weird. im at college. finals are this week. we are on a quarter system, so things move pretty rapidly, reality hit me. i'm retaking a course... never got an F let alone failed a course. but it happens. so my BED sticks with me, even harder... i wish i could go back in time, just to live it again, because from here on out... i will never live at home anymore, i will never sleep in the same HOME as my mom, as my brother, as my dad. im in a dorm right now, next year i'm getting an apartment with 3 friends on campus. and then... move out of there depending on how long that takes to an apartment with one roommate or by myself, and then marriage, and kids, and the circle of life continues... when i left my house i didn't realize that was IT, no more calling my mom to bring the tissues when i'm sick, watching sitcoms with dad eating flinstone pushups, fighting with my brother over the remote and getting mad. no more, its all over... we only get one life unfortunately... and a chunk of it is over... when i grow up and i'm 90 years old and i look at my tattoo... i'm gonna be sad... because one, i'll be dead hehe, or two... that my memories of my life will be the memories created by the symbolism of my tattoo. you can get over things... but you never forget... i don't want to have to live my life remembering all of this, i'd rather have it kill me and have it publicly known. i'm alone, but isnt everyone? its emphasized by being in a different time zone... thousands of miles away, and i am alone... i am clingy and needy. 2.0 and i have gotten too close, lilly, and car-in understand. i miss vics, i don't remember his hugs.. i don't remember him... and he's changed as well... i told car-in about my BED, she refuses to admit it,... and when i kinda wanna talk, she doesnt answer her texts.... i guess its scary... but i was drunk when i told her. i think she think i don't remember. i miss my brother :( i remember los alisos... and everyone had a crush on him... hahaha, oh dannggg pimppp hehe. <3 hehe. i need to purge myself of all this. i need to create new memories. this fast isnt working... ughhhh four days and i can go back to my old ways california here i come....4 days | | |
| things change. its how it goes. its not you, its not the world, its none of that. i just dont feel like it. thats all. it has nothing to do with our friendship or anything. thats all. i'm not going to succomb to your needs just because you want my pity. i'm sorry to put it that way, but thats how i am phrasing it at the moment. but i am just going along with how you think of me. oh its a joke when you say things... of course they are. i may be slow but i'm not stupid. w/e. i can't talk. i'm in the same situation... so whatever. speaking of Carlton... i showed him my tattoo, he is yet to tell me what he thinks *because i barely sent him the picture like 3 minutes ago and its pretty late at night* i hope he doesnt think i'm out looking for pity or anything... because i am not. i can't even say i love him anymore... i just can't say it...because... who knows if i do? we talked, and he told me "no! you can't leave! you're gonna be so far away" irmas mind: "cuz we're never gonna talk again and i'm not gonna see you for months at a atime, and we're gonna stop being best friends???.... cuz that shit hasnt happened already right?" w/e. best friend my ass... sorry, i'm just kinda argh at the moment. apologizies to those that i take it out on. i mean everything i say, just not as harshly. 30 more days of school, i need to leave all of this damn baggage behind... and clear my mind of these stupid memories haunting my mind... and all these people acting as if THEY are more affected by MY memories... argh... why can't everyone just get shot... then everything would be okay.... i need a gun :( | | |
| so valentine's day was great. i saw the stars with my love :D and ate red vines >.< then friday, continued valentine's day by going to eat at Subway <3 at citywalk. it was weird, and my thoughts went to places that i don't like to think about, and times that i wish to forget, but it was perfect still. HOLD ME CLOSER TINY DANCERR COUNT THE HEADLIGHTS ON THE HIGHWAY. <33 i think im falling in love iwth elton john. his voice is sooo nice :D and then... this weekend has been about muscle hehe, painting my sweet's room and moving all the furniture and everyting. eeeek!!! but twas fun. heheh especially the past days. this is the first time i think we'vebeen apart *except for rehearsal*. i don't like his new bed. its broken so when daddy tried to put it together, it was like ughhh. but yeahhh i've been happy, but unhappy during school. i see certain people and i just get angry right away. people are stupid. if only they knew i was sooo mad at them. but they don't. smiles are sometimes frustrating. welpers. off to watch arrested development with the brother. i like spending time with him, it makes for sitcom moments haha :D *piano intermission* then off to see my love all cute like in his uniform. i LOOVEEE him... this feeling is indescribable. <3333 | | |
| haha i read my last post and remembered what happened b/c of my
stubbornness. and lets just call me the luckiest idiot in the world.
i never thought this would become me, but i learned this over summer:
don't cheat. its not pretty. i'm sure lilly understands what i'm
talking about.
*oh btw, i love lilly! goshers. she's helped me soooo much. eeek!
i owe her!! even if she and i don't talk in 10 years, she WILL be a
bridesmaid. seriously i love her to death! no, i love her passed death.
when we're standing at the pearly gates, and we're asked why we died,
she and drewman and i will just look at eachother and laugh, as we drop
down to hell heheheh :D (in a good way)*
well. finals just finished, *eeek*
well i know i'm getting into college haha that's the important thing :D
and everyday i remember how much i love and miss my nadi wadi. like seriously. I MISS YOU NADI!
i haven't been thinking about carlton lately, so i guess that ... good?
haha, i mean, i love him! and i miss him. that stupid best friend of
mine, but i havent really been thinking of him as Bud *if ya get my
drift* so... high five irma! :D i just see his pcture and think, where
is that foo? i miss him!
that leads me to answering a question another best friend of mine
posed. I do understand how deep, how penetrated i am to you. how life
cannot exist, how death is ecstasy compared to this torture, how those
suicide attempts seem worthless because they areonly attempts. and
every day stuck in denial is only so you those attempts stay as
attempts. how the rejection is painful but its worth hearing and
feeling, because it is atleast communication.
you have communication dear. be happy about that.
well, off to not such a sad note. haha. you know that feeling of just
YAY! of a hug and going aaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh and letting out all of
this happy. well that's what i get every single time. and gosh darnit,
its worth everything! :D i can't explain it any better.
so tomorrow is another speech contest. the dude taht i faced against
the past 3 years in American Legions beat me again, no biggy, i knew he
was gonna win, i'll just take my money and smile :)
well yes, i'm not really prepared but its not as crazy as American
Legion, so i think im good. i actually prepared for this one a little
bit. but yeahhh
one thing does bother me though: comedysportz
no one cares. i think its sad when your own cousin won't make the dang
posters. when my own team doesn't show up to practice *just a few
individuals, but these guys are veterans*, when 3 of us bring 4 people
to the game, and everyone else doesnt and then bitches to me or ms. j
or kristie or drew that i'm not doing my job *i'm sorry, maybe ill get
handcuffs so they DO go to the game*. when people don't pitch in one
little dollar to get some decorations for our games and then complain
that they look plain and stupid *i'm not gonna spend all of MY money
(mellers' money)* or when people have to leave practice early or can't
come cuz of work and then complain that EYE didn't tell them what
happened *ask, why should i remember if you're there, yes its on the
attendence, but EYE was there, OTHERS were there, its not MY job to
babysit you, any other teacher or coach will tell you the same* i just
hate how people complain that this isnt awesome, when thye don't grab
the oppurtunities to make it awesome.
and another thing: when friends just don't come to support. i think
that one sucks almost the most. cuz... sure vics will come and maybe my
mom or dad, but like... you're not doing anything and you know whats
going on, and its comedysportz, EVERYONE enjoys themselves, not to be
hyping it up cuz im manager or anything, because it REALLY is fun! and
funny! and entertaining! and plain good family fun. we're the only club
that asksfor a few dollars to make you laugh nonstop for 2 hours, it
seriously doesn't get any better than that. *sorry for my rant, but
yesh*
alrighty.
oh, buy valentine's day grams from me :D woo woo!! maybe my choir will
drop by 6th period and sing to you!! :D hehehe, i like the songs we're
singing they are... F.U.N.! hahahahhahaha *groaner foul*
i need to find more ways to show vics how much i love him. :D i loved
my last idea. but it didnt work out as planned :( but all the hearts
are still scattered in his car, now it jus tlooks like a mess hahaha :D
well, i think i know what i'm doing for valentine's day. hehehe, i was
working on it earlier, its gonna take some time, but it'll do. it'll
do. :D
alrighty. conan grew a beard, but i havent been watching, so he shaved it off :( he looked HOTTTTTTTTTT :D
k.
nothing to really complain about. i guess im still on my high from
seeing vics a few hours ago. goshers i don't know what the boy does,
but he hug his arm in the car and somehow the world has a smile on.
seriously... i think he's a magician. :D
kkkk adidas folks!
-$$$$
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| wow.. i never updated over summer... so much happened over summer... hhahaha i don't want to lose him. i wnat to have him. self control i guess. cuz its not worth it. don't leave the one you love for the one you like, cuz the one you like will leave you for the one you love... but what if the one you like is in love with you too? w/e. tonight is closing night of the play. no sign of carlton, and i haven't cared. simply because he doesn't care. i know he's grounded... but that excuse is pretty damn old, so whatever. nadia said she would try, probably won't happen, but she lives in riverside and doesn't have a car. so she's okay. yup, in choir... everyone says my singing has improved... im just sad cuz byebye birdie is the spring musical... my senior year... i won't get a part because of my damn voice... i'll PROMISE ms. j that i will work my hardest with any song as long as i get a good role... cuz theater does mean alot. its my stress reliever... thats why im soo looking for to the play tonight and always to rehearsals and the cast party. but im sure the cast party will be filled with mixed emotions because of me adn my darn emotional stubborness. i need to straighten my hair now... why am i a hot guy, but not a hot girl? :( :) gooday dear xanganians... til next time, probably in a few months when i talk about how i've resolved my currect problem and will openly discuss it. which reminds me: btw. summer dealt with vics and brett. love triangles aren't fun. especially when you have 'everything" you want,... but it just doesnt feel right... if thats true, then why am i such an idiot? -butterfly/irmamo | | |
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